"What is love without christ"....as cities burn

The christmas season has never been so stressful, and I've never been more disconnected with peace. For the past few months I've not been in my old faithful routine of spending each morning with the lord. It's amazing how much my body and my mind suffer. Before my spirit was in control, the body and the mind functioned just fine on their own; but once my existence depended on the health of my spirit, with the body and mind in submission and subordination to it, the lack of eating the word and drinking the spirit of God has become deadly to me.
So what is the answer to this? Seems so silly, to just do it.

I have learned more and more that no matter what is going on, I can't do anything without being in constant connection with the Holy Spirit, I fail miserably at everything I try to take on, and I have no leadership for my family, though it only consists of a beautiful fiance and a dog at present, they still need leadership that I have not been equipped to provide.

Money has never been stressful to me, in fact it's never been much of a consideration. For some reason, the need for money to pay for Colleen and my wedding has been the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with. Again, because I have not been with Abba, I have no scope for how to deal with this, nor do I have adequate input when I have to make a decision. This causes problems when she gets frustrated with my indecisiveness.

Infrequency between blog entries often denotes my lack of time with the Lord, so I should know to keep myself in line so much better by just paying attention to the fact that I haven't posted recently and my spirit has not been fruitful.

I am sitting at starbucks this morning, where I belong, doing what I'm supposed to be doing, what I live from. I just felt that I needed to get these things on "paper" because I always just write what I'm thinking, and this is what I've been thinking. I have some amazing friends (David, nick, Jeremy, Brett, mike, Jeremy) and I'm very grateful for them, I would ask you all to pray for colleen and I as we get prepared to be married next weekend. But especially for me that I would be diligent in seeking the Lord and patient in waiting for his direction.

Prophetic Destiny

"For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect towards Him. Oh! then repeat the truth that never tires; No God is like the God my soul desires; He at whose voice heaven trembles, even He, Great as He is, knows how to stoop to me. " Charles Spurgeon
The writer says that no god is like the God my soul desires. How true is this. Even when we are apathetic to his desires, and even failing in righteousness, our soul knows that from which it draws it's breath.

What of silence then? "Wilderness" as the church would call it. It seems that believers go through frequent seasons of a lack of feeling. I have felt the movement of the Holy Spirit so often, and am under no deception as to how good or how obvious that is to someone's spirit. But what of the times (today seems this way for me) when you "feel" nothing necessarily amazing. I heard a pastor speak once about the Lord revealing more of himself to you when you are not "feeling" what you're not used to. I think that Abba uses times like this to cause or quicken our hearts to prompt our minds to contemplate the heart of God.

His destiny for each one of us is placed in a prophetic destiny. I heard a message the other day that says God paints a picture in the future of who we are to be, then ties a chord from that into our present. That chord is that indication of our peace that we follow to get to our destiny. I think that the Lord is showing me today that the way to get to that peace is to spend time rejecting everything that the world and my own flesh want met to focus on. I have to fight busyness to get to where the peace of God is.

I've been praying to be able to focus on the heart of God. To be able to spend the time and control my own mind to get it focused on the Lord. Being engaged is completely different than I thought it would be. The realm of temptation is not applied as I thought it would be, and even in that I see the Lord's providence in not being tested beyond what we can bear. My emotions and fears are the primary points of contact now, which is quite odd. Both Colleen and I have noticed fears that we thought we had overcome, that apparently we still have to deal with. I'm learning that we all have baggage, and that nobody is near perfect. What's more, I'm learning that I'm probably going to be a huge pain in the butt to live with. I know that God's design for my marriage is for both Colleen and I to be sensitive to each other's feelings and needs. But right now, we're closer to being sensitive about ourselves. I know that it's a thing for the Holy Spirit to direct, and it's good, but it's just pointed the wrong direction. We need to be able to take those feelings of sensitivity and point them at one another, rather than pointing them at ourselves. In that we can be sacrificial to one another.




So God pulls us into these places of quiet so that we can pursue him and have him revealed to us in a deeper way. Any of you that read this on a regular basis, and would like to pray for me, I'll receive it with open arms. First and foremost I have to get into a very deep stride of time with the Lord; this has just been hard as of late. Also, Colleen and I have been praying for peace in her dreams (she gets attacked with nightmares, because of her prophetic nature), and against a spirit of divorce that is present in both our past. We have both had a very rough time with finances lately, and we are going to have to pay for our own wedding, so any prayer there would be much appreciated.

doors

I've been listening to david crowder quite a bit lately. Colleen and i both really like his music. Something is slightly different between him and most other worship music.

I've really been focusing more on worship music, and i feel that is where opportunity lies for me, not for my own advancement of course, but for serving the Lord in being in his will. I felt after the band broke up that i'd be moving more in worship, but in highly energetic worship. I'm not sure exactly how that will pan out, or how it will happen, but i know it is God, so i'm sure it's good.

Colleen and i have another awesome blessing to add to our relationship. Her name is Czech; she's a 9 week old westie puppy. She is the cutest thing i've ever seen. Here are some pictures of her crashed out on my backpack outside starbucks (she is very very well behaved). This is what colleen's face looked like when i gave her Czech.

We've been going to Pampa once a week to play worship and help with youth at the Trinity Fellowship Church there. The leaders and band are great, and we are all beginning to develop a great relationship. They are the first friends that Col and I have met as a couple and we really like all of them. It's opening some really cool doors with music. I'm looking forward to what Abba has for us.

We want to get married in Jan, but we want to have an outdoor wedding, so we're looking into the botanical gardens. We've heard some good things and some bad about doing weddings there, but i am hoping that it will be a good thing and that we can "have our cake and eat it too". I'm almost scared to see the list of invitees that we come up with, because it could be quite sizeable. The upside is that it means we have lots of good friends :)
It's been wonderful to see the things that Abba is doing in myself and in colleen. He is so good, and she is such a blessing to me. I've been praying that i can focus on all the things that need to be done before we get married, but it's so easy to just want to hang out with Col, and not "do" anything. I need His help to focus on the tasks and the blessings that come in process. I really need more business, since the band broke up i've had so much more time to do whatever i like. With all the changes ahead i really need to work more. The way my business is so sporadic is wonderful for the freedom, but the income is to flexible. I really would like to be busier. Most of the blame for not being busy really falls on me alone, because i have to get out and push for more work, and i haven't done that. I have some opportunities that have presented themselves and i just need to follow up on them. I hope that the direction the Lord is taking me in all those things is accepted and understood by my heart.
James 1:5 "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives freely and without reproach, and it will be given him.

Faith and Grace

These two divine impartations go hand in hand. Faith is dealt to men in measure by the Father (Rom 12:3, Acts 3:16, Gal 3:22) and by part of Grace is enacted on their hearts (Eph 2:8).

The deffinition of "faith" from the American Tract Society Bible Dictionary. I found it very sufficient.
-The assent of the understanding to any truth. Religious faith is assent to the truth of divine revelation and of the events and doctrines contained in it. This may be merely historical, without producing any effect on our lives and conversation; and it is then a dead faith, such as even the devils have. But a living or saving faith not only believes the great doctrines of religion as true, but embraces them with the heart and affections; and is thus the source of sincere obedience to the divine will, exhibited in the life and conversation. Faith in Christ is a grace wrought in the heart by the Holy Spirit, whereby we receive Christ as our Savior, our Prophet, Priest, and King, and love and obey him as such. This living faith in Christ is the means of salvation-not meritoriously, but instrumentally. Without it there can be no forgiveness of sins, and no holiness of life; and they who are justified by faith, live and walk by faith, Mr 16:16 Joh 3:15,16 Ac 16:31 1Jo 5:10.
True faith is an essential grace, and a mainspring of Christian life. By it the Christian overcomes the world, the flesh, and the devil, and receives the crown of righteousness, 1Ti 4:7-8. In virtue of it, worthy men of old wrought great wonders, Heb 11:1-40 Ac 14:9 1Co 13:2, being sustained by Omnipotence in doing whatever God enjoined, Mt 17:20 Mr 9:23 11:23-24. In Ro 1:8, faith is put for the exhibition of faith, in the practice of all the duties implied in a profession of faith.

Favor, mercy. Divine grace is the free and undeserved love and favor of God towards man as a sinner, especially as exhibited in the plan of redemption through Jesus Christ, Joh 1:17 3:16 Ro 3:24-26. It is only by the free grace of god that we embrace the offers of mercy, and appropriate to ourselves the blessings graciously purchased by redeeming blood.

Same source's deffinition of "Grace"
The "GRACE OF GOD," spontaneous, unmerited, self-directed, and almighty, is the source of the whole scheme of redemption, Ro 11:6 2Ti 1:9. With it are united "the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ," who gave himself for sinners; and that of "the Spirit of grace," by whom alone the grace offered by the Father and purchased by the Son is effectually applied. Thus GRACE in man, or all true holiness, 2Pe 3:18, is traced up to the grace of God as its only source; and the gospel of Christ and the work of the spirit-both pure grace—are its only channels of communication. Hence also all the fruits and blessings of the gospel are termed graces, 2Co 8:7 Php 1:7; not only regeneration, pardon, enlightenment, sanctification, etc., but miraculous, official, and prophetic gifts, the peculiar traits of Christian character, and everlasting salvation, 1Pe 1:13. In Ga 5:4, "grace" means God’s plan of salvation by his mercy, not by our works.

My focus has been on Grace and Faith the past few days, both in the lesser functions of forgiveness and healing, and in the greater ultimate function of fellowship. Learning what I already know; that Abba desires my fellowship and my heart, though to get those, i must be forgiven and cleansed of all unrighteousness.

Nearness

"Gracious souls are never perfectly at ease except they are in a state of nearness to Christ; for when they are away from Him they lose their peace" Charles Spurgeon (SME)


17 This I say therefore, and testify in the Lord, that you should not walk from now on as other nations walk, in the vanity of their mind, 18 having the understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God through the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart. 19 For they, being past feeling, have given themselves up to lust, to work all uncleanness with greediness. 20 But you have not so learned Christ, 21 if indeed you have heard Him and were taught by Him, as the truth is in Jesus.
Eph 4:17-21


I am simple minded and slow to understand so much. I know what Spurgeon is speaking of though in the passage above. I feel unfounded when i have not been with the Lord even for one day. The feeling is like loosing sleep and for sake of not sleeping, not eating, and for sake of not eating, not sleeping yet again. It is a sickness that can be healed by nothing but forcing food in small amounts and choosing sleep for the simple fact that sleep must be had. Like unto it, renewing my mind (rather the Spirit of my mind, as the author of Eph would say) is a like task, to allow myself to be fed by the Holy Spirit, every word that comes from the mouth of God

Grace in this and so many other failings i have is beyond my comprehension to the simple nature and law that "yes, (i) deserve to die, and to burn in hell" (thanks Samuel L Jackson, for the vivid imagery there). Grace would not be grace otherwise, and rather Mercy (the not being dealt the retribution we deserve for our treachery) is what i must praise the Lord for today. C.S. Lewis said "Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." (Weight of Glory). The focus of course being moreover the lesser part of that passage, that we fool about with drink and sex and ambition. How human is that? We spend most of our lives focused on the lesser things of God (so to speak, and rather impertinently and boldly so), in mercy. We (I often) call it Grace, but we are mis-naming what we are dealing and being dealt with. Grace is defineed in websterr 1. The exercise of love, kindness, mercy, favor; disposition to benefit or serve another; favor bestowed or privilege conferred. Used in the Word, Grace is the redeeming power and medium in which Abba deals with his children. Eph 2:8 "For it is by Grace you are saved through faith, and THAT not of yourselves, it is a gift of God". Grace is so much more than the mercy used to forego our punishment! Grace encompasses the heart of God, that "Blessing I will bless you!" and "Ask and you shall receive". Those are not as trite as the mind would lie to us to say; The heart of God is to give us EVERY good thing. We don't expect enough, therefore we don't go on to grasp the greater things, because we're still fumbling about with the sin that so easily entangles.

Through the Old Testament, the phrase "grace in your sight" is used always to someone of greater authority, and returned by request or by unrequested favor with some sort of gift. Grace is everything Abba uses to deal with those of us redeemed. WHY do we function so much in mercy? Mercy is a part of Grace, but not the integral thing. Heb 6:1 says "Therefore, having left the discourse of the beginning of Christ, let us go on to full growth, not laying again the foundation of repentance from dead works, and of faith toward God..". Repentance from dead works, through the gracious gift of mercy that we do not get what we deserve. This is only the first step in the great promise contained in this verse! Why do we (I) stay in the necessity of mercy so much. 2 Cor 2:14 says "But thanks be to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and through us diffuses the fragrance of His knowledge in every place", how much more encouragement do we need as men and women of a promise that we are to take dominion of this world in his name? How opulent, how glorious, how obvious is the presence of the Holy Spirit in us who believe?!

My conclusion in all this, in my own heart and mind, is that to truly "hunger and thirst" for Christ, we must be filled by time as Spurgeon says later on in the same passage "in intercourse" with Y'shua. The depth of intimacy that is required by our spirit toward the Lord to be "filled" as the beatitudess describe is in fact, nothing short of wholely exclusive and very private affectionate loving between the Lord and his beloved. But we must come to him for this, and as our greatest need, only he can fill it. There the Word says of this time, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 9:1. All my unrighteousness could reach the heavens, and it is even less than visible to my God who knows all things and gives me true grace. Could there be a greater gift than all that is encompassed in Grace? How intimate is the confession and forgiving of faults between lovers? What greater gift could our Beloved give us than not only forgiving us, but cleansing us as well.

Father show me the weight of your glory inside the exercise of your grace, and form in me the mind and the heart of Christ, more every day. Teach me to love righteously, graciously, and with authority.

weakness

"Christ, who is our life." --Colossians 3:4

Abba! Let my affections and my attention turn to you. My heart knows that you are the source of all sufficiency, but at times my mind fights all that my heart knows; and for foolish reason. Gal 4:19 says "My little children, of whom I travail in birth again until Christ be formed in you". The Lord desires us to have his the spirit of Christ fully formed in us. That the power and breath of creation and love would be our character. 
C.S. Lewis said, "make no mistake, God will have perfection; in this life or the next oh believer, he will have perfection." (George MacDonald, An Anthology). Why is it then that i struggle in simple priority? Father, i honor you by my words and priority but in my actions it seems i fail so miserably to be with you and lavish affection on you. I desire perfection, so that "all that is beautiful will not be beautiful to me, unless it's perfect" (sleeping at last). I want this perfection in my own desires so much. My desires for my girlfriend, who i want so much more to be my wife than what she now is (i'm so thankful that she shares that desire), seems to hold so much of my attention and my affections. They are righteous desires for the woman i intend to marry, but even in marriage my priorities must be first for my relationship to you Abba. Only You can enable my heart in the greater things. Your spirit is the strength of my heart. "For i am poor and needy. May the Lord think of me, for You are my help and my deliverer; oh God, do not delay!" Ps 40:17. 
When I do not put you first, the relationship i cherish directly through and under this one suffers. Abba i feel inadequate and frustrated, and You are the one who can give me peace. Please teach me how to miss Colleen righteously and without fear or frustration. Draw me into you in the time that she is away, so that i can love her better when she's not.
 

"you look prettier now, you look beautiful now; and you mean the world to me. are we ok? maybe we could talk about it" edison glass

How much has the Lord cleaned us? What depth have we been brought from? Paul talked of men in the last days being "lovers of self, money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, who are disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, unyielding, false accusers, without self-control, savage, despisers of good, traitors, reckless, puffed up, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of Godliness, but denying the power of it" 2 Tim 3:1-5. How much like this are the rest of us at so many times. I know my own short-comings in most situations point my actions towards nothing further than what is above. 

Solomon wrote "The upright love You" (ch 1:4) and so they do. But in hopes that my love would be judged by it's intent rather than it's actions. The loved desires the Lover more than all other things, but foolishly folds to our nature at times. Charles Spurgeon wrote "Measure our love by our intentions, and it is high indeed; 'tis thus, we trust, our Lord doth judge of it." (Spurgeon's Morning and Evening Devotions). So our love is of the nature that cannot be seperated from our Lover. The history of the world is the history of all forces attempting to divide us from our Lover. All have failed, and the Word is proven true, as Paul said, "For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."(Rom 8:38-39)

It is His Love that enables our affections and our desires and intentions. In the way that he gives us the desires of our hearts, so he enables Love itself to flourish in our hearts. Far be it from me to allow my heart to condemn me for the weakness that is being dealt with by Abba in Love; so much more in another one of my fellow christians, so should love grow in my heart for all of these.

Lazy afternoon

Today I have had the opportunity to hang out with my Girlfriend's seven year old little brother. Justice ( cool name huh?) is one of the sweetest kids, always happy, and very greatful for the people around him. Things are rough for him because he lives part of the time in clovis and part of the time in amarillo. In clovis, with he and Colleen's mom, and here with his aunt. 

I wonder sometimes if he really gets much attention from anyone. He loves his sister and always seems so happy to be with her. I took him to my house this afternoon while Colleen is at work, so he and i are playing video games with MY brother chase. Rather they are playing, and i'm working on design work.


I realize looking at Justice and what a great kid he is that children need a father, moreover, they need a father who knows the Lord. One of the most devastating things in our culture now is the absence of fathers hearts from their children. Children want rules, they want authority, but they don't just want rules and consequences; they want relationship. Kids desire to be "like" someone else, though the person whom they emulate can change, ideally it needs to be their parents. I know some of the most amazing children who are exactly like their parents. That is why they're amazing. The Word says to raise your children in righteousness and when they are old they won't turn from those ways. 

I feel blessed to have the ability to speak into Justice's life and help him grow up to know love and it's source. If you're reading this and you have a relationship with the Lord, please pray for Justice and his family; just briefly petition the Lord for a strong move on Justice's behalf.

 

Thinking of signs and greater things

C.S. Lewis said we are far to easily pleased. How much are we willing to accept what is of the world? Meanness, weakness, lust, depravity, what is called love puffed up and prideful to affect the true heart of God manifested in his children.

We are called sons and daughters of God. Sons and Daughters of the inheritance to the Kingdom. Princes and Princesses. What divides us from the refuse that is the world? Love and righteousness. Love is from God and those who are of the Lord know love and have love. Righteousness comes from Christ alone, his righteousness is lent to us based on our faith in him and our choice to make him the lord of our actions and our desires. So we are the righteousness of God IN Y'shua HaMashiach (Christ Jesus), who is IN us through the indwelling of Ruach HaKodesh (holy spirit).

Where does the desire for righteousness come from? From the leading of the Ruach HaKodesh. The Word says that the desires of men's hearts are evil, and that through faith in the Lord we have escaped the world and it's measures. So what now is the measure of a man in Christ? Christ is the measure of all things, and in him we have sufficiency in all things. The Lord promises us ALL things pertaining to life and Godliness. What then do we lack? Though we must depend on the Lord for our providence, it is our choice to desire righteousness, and the Lord says that through that desire (hunger and thirst) we will be filled.

My prayer for today is that I as a man of God would be filled with the Holy Spirit, led by his direction, and affirmed in His righteousness and love for his other children. Only my Father can teach me and enable me to love his own in his way. It's true you always hurt the ones you love, but what is not said in that statement is that love hopes and endures all things; grace covers over a multitude of sins. Though i am as Paul said "the chief of sinners", i have the Spirit of the Living God indwelt in me, and through that grace and mercy, i am free and able to please Him through faith that it is his to will and to work all things through Y'shua who is my strength

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